I've Got Michelle Wie Fever!

Help! Somebody call the doctor quick! I've got Michelle Wie Fever! What's wrong??? Why, it's Michelle Wie - there's sooooo much that's newsworthy and I'm just burning up with excitement!

I can't see straight. My ears are ringing I'm drenched in sweat and my breathing is shallow and raspy. And it's all because of the excitement about Michelle Wie! I thought it was just a little head cold or maybe an allergy, but I think the only things I'm allergic to are golfers that aren't Michelle Wie. And the media is so helpful! What's her favorite cartoon? What teen hunk is on the poster on her wall? What other short cut will she try to back-door into a men's major before other deserving women? I'm swooning with fascination so much, I just puked thrice and dry heaved twice! Wow! My whole right side went numb!

What? Is it contagious? If you believe the media, of course! I got mine from Jennifer Mario or maybe Doug Carey. Thanks to CBS and ESPN, it spread all over America! Isn't she so inspiring and invigorating the way she LINES UP THREE FOOT PUTTS. Isn't she so noble, resolute and socially active the way she PLAYS FREAKING GOLF. Run because the media tells you! Everybody do the same thing!

Michelle Wie! Michelle Wie! Michelle Wie!
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFF!!!
Dead.