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Thursday, June 22, 2006

Memo from the Sports Desk: Be nice to the new guy

Good news. After discussions with the greasy-haired geeks with pimples I call accountants and the brute hulking gorilla eaters I call lawyers, and surveying our field-resources, we have decided to expand.

We have two new positions around here. First, after holding tryouts and reading pieces from some that were more thrilling than nil-nil draws in "futbol," we narrowed down the competition for the newly created position of "contributing writer" to two finalists. In a fierce head to head, teeth-on-leg, battle the winner was Jon Kulok of Arlington, VA, who narrowly defeated The Iguana.

Everybody got that? The new guy's name is JON KULOK, pronounced "KUL-ock" - that's Kul as in "cool," ok as in "clock." He's got a lovely family. In fact his wife and I were born on the same day, in the same hospital even though she was from Texas and I was from Syracuse. Freaky, huh? Within an hour of each other. Then we all met up at college. Good synergy.

Now, I like the cut of The Iguana's jib. He's got moxie (go look it up...). So we've decided to keep him around too. He's gonna work security around here. All crazies, fakirs, liars, cheats, thieves, chumps, lunkheads, dingbats and any other assorted complainers will be directed to a glass cubicle on the outside of the building, where The Iguana will drop you off a cliff. Complaints by phone will enter a new automated system with pre-recorded replies. All calls and messages will be returned by The Iguana between the hours of 2:00 and 5:00 AM. In all other cases I have given The Iguana license to bite - hard and often. He moves like a cat and has the jaws of a yeast-infected pit bull, so don't get on his bad side. You wouldn't like The Iguana when he's mad.

So there it is. Expect to continue to be swamped by the same nightmare hellbroth of gibberish, swill and tomfoolery to which you've become accustomed, only better. There will be no relief until Christmas. It's about time we added some people with some sense around here. Who knows. If we find the right greasy-haired pimply nerd, we may even add one more.

Naturally, you must now address me as "Editor-in-Chief" or "Senior Writer" whichever is appropriate to the situation. If you have a name for The Iguana, shout it out.

And no that is NOT a picture of Kulok, that's The Iguana.

Rant over. As you were.

Post script. I love The Great Shark Hunt, don't you? Kevin Elling was thinking the same thing the other day.


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